People who were cool in high-school always turn into douchebags

Remember those people who you thought were really cool when you were in high-school? You know, the girls who dressed really well and got all the boys and the boys who had the all the muscles and used to talk about how many blow jobs they got while they were watching Ren smack the shit out of Stimpy? Well, those people kinda suck, now. All the girls have two kids and three different babyfathers, which is insane, because it doesn’t even add up. All it does is showcase how bad they really were at Math. Losers!

Now don’t look at this blog as some 'revenge of the nerds’ type gig, or anything. Sure, I got fucked up a few times for wearing the wrong shoes or having a crappy haircut, but I have a job now. And no kids. I win, right? I never really got where 50 was going with that ‘Damn homey – in high-school you were the man homey…what the fuck happened to you?!’ line, but now I totally do. Basically, being cool in high-school usually equates to having no job and being a douche in later life. It’s like all the people who were at the bottom of the high-school status-pole are now rad individuals. Fuck you, popularity!

Here are some people who were probably really lame in school, but they’ve now transformed into Gnarly-bots. Or Awesome-cons. Whatever.

Lady Gaga

Donald Crunk once said that 'Lady Gaga is our generations Bowie'. He was probably right.

Daisy Lowe

The best fucking supermodel on the fucking planet.

Luke Kook

He probably got punked on pretty hard for his overbite, but look at him now. He looks like some kind of Prince. Or maybe like someone really important in the navy.

Drake

Soon to be the best (allegedly) gay singing rapper signed to Cash Money, ever.

Amber Rose

The best fucking whore on the fucking planet.

Shia Labeouf

If he hasn’t fucked Megan Fox yet, he’s definitely thought about it.

Solange Knowles

Yeah, I wish I could live off my sister’s fame and fuck people in the eye with multi-coloured spandex, too.

Words: New Pork City
1st Pic: Ellis Scott

Michael Joseph Jackson 1958– 2009

You’re probably aware that the world’s greatest pop star is no longer with us, after passing away yesterday morning due to heart problems, most likely brought on by the prospect of performing 50 concert shows in gruelling succession. Without a doubt, Michael Jackson was influential, iconic and unpredictable. At this time, many people’s thoughts will be with Michael's family and multitude of fans, but please spare some time to lend your thoughts to Michael's friend, confidant and long-time associate Bubbles.

Through thick and thin Bubbles has stood alongside Michael, always providing a hairy shoulder to cry on or thoughtful, but never preachy advice. Sure, he was a chimpanzee, but Bubbles had balls. Big ones. He was once rumoured to have killed a small man with his bare chimp- hands, but that’s not important. His heart was strong - strong enough to crush the tallest giant. But not with aggression - with pure, unadulterated, love.

Words: Donald Crunk

Dazed: YCE

Dazed recently featured a slew of YCE's (Young Creative Entrepreneurs) such as the brains behind Merok Records, The Jak & Jill blog, Mad Decent and Dante Fried Chicken. Check out each entrepreneurs profile here.

Best comment on a streetstyle pic in the last 24hrs

''He looks like a homeless Kanye''

Spotted at Complex

''Pregnant women are easy lays''

I sort of touched upon this when I mentioned how Kelis doesn’t look as attractive as she used to now she’s got a bun in the oven, thus nixing any thoughts of her prospective career in porn, but it's just hit me how easy it actually is to have sex with pregnant women. Let’s say I urgently wanted to sleep with Kelis, like right-now-as-I’m-typing-this kinda urgent. My fuck percentage (that’s a little thing I use to gauge my chances of having penetrative sex with women I’ve just met, online or otherwise) would be up by like 45 to 55%, in comparison to if I’d have met her say 18 months ago. Which is a pretty steep margin of improvement, right?

Single women who are ‘with child’ are not only emotionally fucked the fuck up, but their self esteem is so low, that they’d do anything to make themselves feel sexy. What with the child’s father being absent and a possible future as a single-parent on the horizon, any male suitors suddenly turn into the biggest studly stud-muffins on the planet and in turn, the pregnant and single heffers get some amazing sex. It’s basically a win-win situation. You may think this makes me sound like some morally depraved ‘swollen-belly stalker’, but I’m a firm believer in ‘getting in, where you fit in’.

I remember watching that movie Knocked Up, where the fat Jewish dude was scared to sleep with his pregnant chick because he thought his penis would poke the baby in the eye or some shit. I don’t think the thought of something like that happening has ever crossed my mind. Imagine a baby getting poked in the eye by a dick? That’s pretty fucked up.

Words: Donald Crunk

Album(or mixtape) cover of the week: Yo Gotti

Oh, so your white sports car has broken down because all the coke you were about to sell to pregnant women and kids has fallen out of your secret compartment and clogged up your engine - so don’t expect us to feel sorry for you, you drug dealing piece of shit.

LA ROUX vs LITTLE BOOTS vs LADYHAWKE - TO THE DEATH!!!

Everyone keeps comparing La Roux to Little Boots to Ladyhawke, saying that they all sound the same because they have hard-ons for 80’s inspired pop and what not, but who is the true champ? We put them head to head (to head) to see who really has the biggest balls.

LTTLE BOOTS

Here Little Boots looks like she records all her songs in her bedroom while not wearing much below the waist - which we suppose is where the majority of her 'bedroom-pop-starlet' charm lays. It’s like ‘oh I was just about to take my top off too, but I’m busy writing another hit.’ We weren’t really impressed with her hair at this point, but when she went blonde…






…it was like ‘Boo-fucking-yow!’ She looks like some kind of Swedish chambermaid, which is pretty sexy, right? Also, are we the only ones who noticed she shows off her legs, a lot? Plus that keyboard is always pretty close to her vagina. Maybe that helps her to write the hits? Just a thought.

Pop-o-meter – 3/5

LA ROUX

Have you ever seen La Roux smile? She always looks like someone’s pissed in her coco-pops. But one thing that puts her head and shoulders above the competition is her quiff. It’s the John Belushi of Quiffs. If De Niro was still as good as an actor as he was in say Taxi Driver, then he’d blatantly use La Roux’s hair for inspiration. Moody pouting and exceptionally good hair are perfect fuck-buds. Plus everyone likes La Roux. We heard some kids singing In for the kill on the bus the other day and they looked like female members of Dipset, so it was a bit of a shock for us. But hey, everyone loves La Roux!

Pop-o-meter: 4/5

LAZYHAWKE

We’re guessing that Lazyhawke is meant to appeal to the type of guy who likes his women slightly ‘worn-in’. “Oh you do lots of coke and have lots of sexual partners? Where do I sign up!” She’s definitely been around the block a few hundred times, but maybe that’s not a bad thing. Experience breeds knowledge, right? Anyways, check her out up there channelling her ‘inner-OJ’. The photographer was probably like, ‘Picture yourself as OJ slipping on his leather ‘homicide-gloves’ to brutally murder his wife and her lover, but also see that as a metaphor for you killing the music industry’. Yep, we can definitely imagine that shoot being just like that.

Pop-o-meter: 2.5/5

Words: Backyard Betty & Donald Crunk

How Pharrell turned Nas into a dead-beat dad

Kelis is a female R&B artist who you may remember from popular hits such as Milkshake and the one where she did a lot of shouting about hating men. After being married to her rapper boyfriend Nas for a few years, she got knocked up and is about to have his baby. The only problem is Nas doesn’t want to pay for shit. Black men not looking after their kids - is this something that regularly happens within the black community? I’m not entirely sure. Kelis says that she doesn’t even have enough money to buy prams and rattles and all the other stuff little babies need. Nas’s response was something along the lines ‘fuck you bitch, you gotta pay for all that shit yourself’. Rofl. Kelis claims that she's broke, which I can kinda understand, since she hasn’t had a hit in years and she’s not getting any younger/more attractive, so a career in porn is out of the question.

I remember when I used to look after my baby cousin who was a little, shall we say, ‘special’. If you called him a ‘dickwad’ or flicked him on his ear, he wouldn’t react for a good five, maybe ten minutes. He’d come running up to you and be like ‘no, you’re a dickwad’ or would hold his ear in pain and start to cry long after the deed. I think Nas is similar to my cousin. He’s probably just realised that the future mother of his child used to get jizzed on by Pharrell. I can imagine him waking up next to Kelis one morning with one of Pharrell’s songs playing on the radio or some shit. He probably walked to the bathroom, looked at himself in the mirror and knew it was time for this shit to stop. We’ve all done it before.

Sometimes the harsh reality of a fucked up situation doesn’t hit you right away. Its takes its bare-footed time to quietly creep thorough your subconscious, before stomping all over you psyche with a big pair of ego-bruising Doctor Martins. But yeah, I’d be pretty pissed if some skinny black-dude that looks Korean had banged the mother of my children. Maybe not pissed enough to financially disown my child, but pissed, nonetheless.

Words: Donald Crunk

The pros and cons of Master Shortie

While most of us are used to US rappers going on you-tube to proclaim how great they are and how big their dicks are and stuff, we don’t really get people doing that over here in England. Or if they do, nobody really cares enough to mention it. I saw this clip by Master Shortie a couple of days ago and I wasn’t even gonna blog about it, but I’ve had like five people asking me everyday whether I’d seen, and I quote, ‘that cocky cunt on you tube talking about being the best rapper in the UK’, so I thought it was only right that I spoke on it.

Now, there’s two types of hip-hop heads in the UK: there’s the Native Tongue and Wu Tang lovin dudes that worship KRS One and hate anybody who’s stage name starts with the word ‘lil’, then you get the guys whose first experience with hip-hop was Kanye West, who think ‘The Native Tongue’ is some type of dance and who actually took time out to learn that ‘crank dat’ buffoonery, a while back. The latter are the types that like Master Shortie. To be honest, most people that appreciate him don’t really give a fuck about hip-hop. They probably hate it, actually. If you looked at their I-pods, Tinchy Stryder and Pixie Lott would be on their ‘recently played’ lists. None of this matters though, because the press love him and he’s one of the handful of ‘urban acts’ that get backed to succeed by ‘those in the know’ once every 12 months. Let’s look at his pros and cons:

Pros:

He’s a handsome guy (no fishsticks): I mean, who wants to look at Ironik(is he even a rapper?) or worse still, Roots Manuva. Yee-uck. Master Shortie’s got style and I once saw him entering a party flanked by 10 or so Caucasian groupies, which is more than enough for me to think someone is awe-some

He’s not fully black: If you want young white girls to buy your records (NEWSFLASH: These are the only people that buy records), you’re gonna have to be a stud, and an approachable one at that. Yeah, I know we live in a multicultural society etc, but to be blunt, shits way easier when you look more like Brad Pitt, than Wesley Snipes.

He knows how to make good hip-pop: Have you heard Dead End? It’s pretty special. It’s like the little dude found some kind of magical hip-pop-fairy that grants you three wishes. The only catch is, each wish has to be a 'UK number one' and a 'blow-job backstage at The Brits'.

Important white people like him: Sorry to bang on about race, but If you want to be a successful musician, you have to get the influential crackers on your side. It’s all very well having a few thousand blacks that will DL your mixtape and maybe even come to your show, but if you really want to make money, The NME and Radio One have to like you. Once you get the important white people from those media sources on your side, you’re pretty much guaranteed success.

Cons:

His lip ring: Oh man, that lip-ring is pretty suspect. Weezy just about got away with it, but even he likes to kiss other men on the lips.

His vlogs:Yeah so Dead End was cool, but watching this guy rant about what trainers he has before dropping a cruddy freestyle on you-tube, made me wanna beat him over the head with his EXCLUSIVE! Yeezy’s.

He made an entire song about rope-chains: Master Shortie once made a particularly obnoxious song about rope-chains. I once asked a snotty Cool-Kid clone if they were wearing their thick rope-chain to pay homage to Run DMC, to which they replied ‘Run, who??’ I’ve hated Rope Chains ever since. So in turn, I hate this song.

Master Shorties LP ADHD drops this summer

Words: Brother Noomsky

P.P.I.A.M.G.I.A.M.W* : 'I want to be a super-model'

Trya Banks has taught me many valuable lessons in life. Like the importance of ‘smiling with your eyes’ and that ‘no matter what you’re doing - from taking out the trash, to taking a dump, always remember to be a model’. Ok, I’m paraphrasing the bit about taking a shit, but you get my drift. I'm pretty sure I have all the right components to be a globe-trotting super-model. Sure, I may not be the best looking bitch on the planet, but many people have told me that I have ‘interesting features’. Maybe I’m too stupid to realise that ‘interesting’ is a friendly cover-up for ‘fugly’, but hey, I wanna model, Godammit!

I’d really have to work on my walk though, because the last time I wore heels, I morphed into some kind of clumsy Jar-Jar Binks type creature who’d just discovered why God gave them legs. But spending all my free time perfecting my catwalk is nothing when I think about all the free clothes I’m gonna bag. Whoop! I’m not sure if I want to be known simply as ‘Pashmina’ ala ‘Gisele’ or to go by my full name, yet. It’s a tough decision, but it’s one I have to make before I embark on my career in fashion. See you on the catwalk!

*Paula Pashmina Is A Material Girl In A Material World

Words: Pashmina

Pic spotted at Dirty Flaws

Peaches Geldof didn't help Chester French to sell any records

While glancing through my Google news feed, I spotted this story over at NME.Com about Peaches Geldof's marriage to one of the guys from Chester French that happened a while back. He was talking about how the marriage was a sham and how he only married her so his group could get more followers on Twitter or whatever. I don’t recall ever seeing his band mentioned in any of the tabloid articles around the time of the sham-arriage and it turned out that the album only sold like 48 copies or some shit, anyways.

You have to question a man who throws all his morals down the toilet just to increase his popularity. In fact, I questioned it so much, that I asked some of my friends what they thought of his sacrilegious antics, and guess what, none of them had ever heard of him or his group. I guess Chester French are one of those acts that only exist on the internet and in Peaches Geldof’s pussy.

I mean, I know they were only together for six months, but I’m pretty sure he hit that like 5 – 15 times over that period. At least he can look back and tell his kids about how he once banged Bob Geldof’s daughter and tricked her into marrying him so he could get more followers on Twitter. But looking back over the article, he was probably being sarcastic. You know how these young internet-celebs like to be all ‘tongue in cheek’ when they’re being interviewed. But anyways, my friend Ernest Baker, who now works over at Complex (congrats!), interviewed Chester French a while back. Check out that interview here.

Also, I was certain that Ginger Kid from ATCN was in Chester French, but on closer inspection, I think they just look kinda similar.

Words: Donald Crunk

Supreme x Beer

We like beer. It helps you to relax after a hard day at office, loosens you up for sexual encounters and if you're really popular, you could spray it over some well-endowed girls boobs and she could throw her hands in the air like she's in some low-grade hip-hop vid. Cool! But one thing we'd never do is dress up like a big bottle of beer. That would suck. Fuck you, Supreme. Fuck you to hell.

Jews to Obama: ''Fuck you nigga, you're a pussy''

Yikes! We guess Jewish people weren't entirely keen on Obama getting into the White House. We know Jews form a part of our readership, because Lyor Cohen added us on Twitter the other day (and unfollowed like an 1 hour later, roffle), so perhaps you could enlighten us as to whether all you guys think like this. Or not. Whatevas.

Spotted at Byron Crawford

Kid Cudi makes me wanna smoke crack

So yay and stuff to Kid-Cudi for being an advocate of the rap-singing-hipster movement, but lets be honest, he hasn’t really done anything remotely interesting yet. Except for bitching, of course. Bitching is something that beta-males are exceptionally good at. When they’re not getting punched in the face by girls or squeezing into tight jeans, they go on their blogs and type in big capital letters about why they are great and why we should love them and why they are so artistic.

We’ll give Kanye a pass, because he’s pretty good at producing and is quite endearing when it comes to rapping, but when Cudi threw his pink Power Rangers out the pram and claimed he was about to retire after one above-average remix to an average track, we knew that it was time to pull out the FAIL card (In a LTD edition bright fuchsia colourway, no doubt). Besides Drake does a much better job as a singer pretending to be a rapper, anyways. Or is it the other way round?

Words:Donald Crunk

Hey guys, fancy telling us what this Mika Miko song's about?

We’re not really sure what these guys are saying in this song, because they’re foreigners and don’t talk like us - but what we can make out (life is so rad, dance all night, chew chew chew medication! , get off me! and maybe possibly I’m horny) are lyrics to live by.

Spotted at Fader

myspace.com/mikamiko

Hip-hop changed my life(2): Mase was ‘the shit’

Screw the religious inconsistencies, the transsexual whores, the constant running to (and from) Diddy and the broken jaw via Tony Starks – when Mason Betha rapped, he was God-like (no Blasphemy). Akin to a rap-pop Jesus floating on 16 year old white girls, everything this guy touched turned to platinum. He even dropped some subliminal lines for Sean Carter on an R&B track, which has to be commended for something. Stupidity, probably, but no one cared about that suff. Mase was too busy flashing those dimples and dancing alongside Diddy for anyone to motice. Just forget that anything happened after his debut, because the rest of his career was…well, I'll let you decide.

(Oh and don't forget that Mase was Murder Mase before Diddy turned him into a cheesing sugar-puff)

Previously: Hip-hop Changed My Life (1): Jackin off to Tupac

Words: Donald Crunk

Thrasher Magazine presents Back To The Berg

Despite the fact that most people we know that own Skateboards, don’t actually know how to skate, we thought we’d throw this up so they could talk about the ‘sweet clip they saw on Styleslut the other day’. We live for e-props. Even it is from drug-addled retail assistants and nerdy graphic designers that like to front like they know how to skate.

The clip above is from Thrasher Magazines ‘Back To The Berg 09’ event.

Spotted at Hypebeast.