Moviesssss!

I love movies. Sometimes you get guys running around with guns who do lots of swearing and blow things up a lot. Other times you get men falling in love with women who don’t love them . But then the guy does lots of cool stuff to win the woman over. There’s usually some laughs along the way though, because watching white people fall in love is fucking boring. I think my favourite types of movie at the moment are the ones that don’t make any sense. Like Mulholland Drive. WHATTHE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?

I think I’d be good at making movies. I wrote a script the other day, but my friend told me it was shit. I guess I’ll get better with time. Here are some of my pitches, let me know what you think.

'MASS HYSTERIA 2'

I read somewhere that putting a ‘2’ on the end of something that isn’t a sequel makes people think that there was a really popular ‘part 1’ that they missed out on. Thus making them more inclined to check out ‘part 2’. I don’t have a plot for ‘Mass Hysteria 2’ yet, but I think the name, rocks. Oh and Sarah Silverman will play the lead.

'Always Bet On Black'

Bruce Black has an attitude. Nobody understands him and nobody wants to. Which makes him the perfect serial rapist. And murderer. Scarlett Johansson is the psychic psychologist hired by the police force to track down Bruce. Can Scarlett overcome her fear of rape and solve the case?

'Pick me up'

Tom Cruise has a bad habit. He can’t stop screwing whores! Until he meets a pimp played by Flo Rida. Hilarity ensues in this rom-com for the post-MTV generation.

'See Kim Dance'

Michael Cera (Kim) can’t dance. At least we think he can’t. This kid’s the greatest fucking dancer in the world and he’s gonna prove it by dancing across every state in America. Little do we know that Kim’s dancing his ass off to get closure on the death of his aids-ridden father. Can you say ‘Happy feet’?

'Baby Boom'

Whoopi Goldberg is the babysitter from hell. But why? Because she eats them! Megan Fox, Seth Rogen, Shia Labouef and Michael Cera are the ‘Babysitter’s Club’. A crack team of P.I babysitters who infiltrate Whoopi’s cannibalistic operation and give her a taste of her own medicine.

Tagline: 'Dinner is served, but this time it’s your baby'.


Words: Donald Crunk