The pros and cons of Master Shortie

While most of us are used to US rappers going on you-tube to proclaim how great they are and how big their dicks are and stuff, we don’t really get people doing that over here in England. Or if they do, nobody really cares enough to mention it. I saw this clip by Master Shortie a couple of days ago and I wasn’t even gonna blog about it, but I’ve had like five people asking me everyday whether I’d seen, and I quote, ‘that cocky cunt on you tube talking about being the best rapper in the UK’, so I thought it was only right that I spoke on it.

Now, there’s two types of hip-hop heads in the UK: there’s the Native Tongue and Wu Tang lovin dudes that worship KRS One and hate anybody who’s stage name starts with the word ‘lil’, then you get the guys whose first experience with hip-hop was Kanye West, who think ‘The Native Tongue’ is some type of dance and who actually took time out to learn that ‘crank dat’ buffoonery, a while back. The latter are the types that like Master Shortie. To be honest, most people that appreciate him don’t really give a fuck about hip-hop. They probably hate it, actually. If you looked at their I-pods, Tinchy Stryder and Pixie Lott would be on their ‘recently played’ lists. None of this matters though, because the press love him and he’s one of the handful of ‘urban acts’ that get backed to succeed by ‘those in the know’ once every 12 months. Let’s look at his pros and cons:

Pros:

He’s a handsome guy (no fishsticks): I mean, who wants to look at Ironik(is he even a rapper?) or worse still, Roots Manuva. Yee-uck. Master Shortie’s got style and I once saw him entering a party flanked by 10 or so Caucasian groupies, which is more than enough for me to think someone is awe-some

He’s not fully black: If you want young white girls to buy your records (NEWSFLASH: These are the only people that buy records), you’re gonna have to be a stud, and an approachable one at that. Yeah, I know we live in a multicultural society etc, but to be blunt, shits way easier when you look more like Brad Pitt, than Wesley Snipes.

He knows how to make good hip-pop: Have you heard Dead End? It’s pretty special. It’s like the little dude found some kind of magical hip-pop-fairy that grants you three wishes. The only catch is, each wish has to be a 'UK number one' and a 'blow-job backstage at The Brits'.

Important white people like him: Sorry to bang on about race, but If you want to be a successful musician, you have to get the influential crackers on your side. It’s all very well having a few thousand blacks that will DL your mixtape and maybe even come to your show, but if you really want to make money, The NME and Radio One have to like you. Once you get the important white people from those media sources on your side, you’re pretty much guaranteed success.

Cons:

His lip ring: Oh man, that lip-ring is pretty suspect. Weezy just about got away with it, but even he likes to kiss other men on the lips.

His vlogs:Yeah so Dead End was cool, but watching this guy rant about what trainers he has before dropping a cruddy freestyle on you-tube, made me wanna beat him over the head with his EXCLUSIVE! Yeezy’s.

He made an entire song about rope-chains: Master Shortie once made a particularly obnoxious song about rope-chains. I once asked a snotty Cool-Kid clone if they were wearing their thick rope-chain to pay homage to Run DMC, to which they replied ‘Run, who??’ I’ve hated Rope Chains ever since. So in turn, I hate this song.

Master Shorties LP ADHD drops this summer

Words: Brother Noomsky