Awesome stuuf (6) Dana Hill

Donald Crunk's World of Crunk: 5 Movie clichés and genres I hate

Old suburban person who talks young and urban. Rule 2 of ‘screen-writing 101’ is to ‘defy traditional stereotypes’, because it provides a curveball which shocks and intrigues the viewer. And what’s more ‘stereotype defying’ than an old white guy who speaks like he grew up in Compton and uses lots of slang like 'dawg' and 'hoes'? I always cringe when I see these characters in movies, because it’s really not funny. Just dumb and lazy.




Smart white person upgrades underprivileged minorities. I’m black. I went to school and got good grades. After that, I went to University. Now I have a job. I’m sure my life would have been better if I’d have been discovered by a Caucasian Samaritan who wanted to devote his/her life to helping me become a ‘better black person’, but I think I did just fine on my own.



Attractive teenager who has no friends and can’t find a boy/girlf. School is all about two things: Being popular and not being popular. If you’re good looking, then people will naturally gravitate towards you. I call bullshit on any film that puts a smoking chick in nerdy glasses and a frumpy outfit, then paints them as the ‘class outcast’. Girls that look like that know what they’re working with as soon as grown men start hitting on them and commenting on how cute they look in their school uniforms. Nerdy glasses, or not.



Dance movies. The only people that like these kind of films are people who 'do dance'. And why are they even watching films? They should be in some class somewhere working on their stupid dance-steps. The ‘dialogue’ is always cheesy and sometimes even the dancing sucks. What's the point if they can't even get that right? And don’t get me started on the ‘inter-racial romantic sub-plots’.




Black Cinema. Guys, what happened? I spent most of my teenage life buying grainy pirated DVD’s from oriental entrepreneurs about drug dealers, family DRAMA and African- American coming of age. And they were all amazing (Or maybe I was just too young to know any better?). The last movie I watched involved Curtis Jackon and it left my soul feeling slightly raped. He didn’t even buy me dinner!

Words: Donald Crunk

Lightspeed Appreciation Year

Oh, you thought LC was played out? Nah, doggy. 2010 will be the year of 'The Champion'. This dude hasn't even peaked yet, trust us.

We love you, Dev!

Golden Nuggets of Wisdom: 'Why do men get caught cheating?'

You know what guys are really bad at? The art of deception. We’re fucking terrible at it. Our ego’s make us think we don’t have to lie or use personality ‘smoke n mirrors’ to get our own way or pull the wool over peoples eyes. We’re like big bulls running through china-shops full of ex-girlfriends with broken hearts and sexually transmitted infections. Sure, we’ll lie up to a certain point, but do you think you actually catch us cheating by accident? Of course not. We LET you catch us.

Look at Tiger Woods. He was so deep in numerous Vagina’s, that he probably just woke up one morning and thought to himself ‘Man, this is some bullshit! I’m a man, I can do whatever the hell I want. FUNK THAT!’ So he PURPOSEFULLY left some clues around so his broad could find out. Sure, he got knocked the fuck out because of it, but I bet you he feels all the better for it. Now he doesn’t have to be all girly and deceptive about it, like some big pink ninja with a set of ovaries. He can go down to the pub with his buds, crack open a bottle of Grenache Rose and laugh about how he didn’t give a fuck about sleeping with numerous women that weren’t his wife.

Women on the other hand, are so skilled at deception that your girlfriend could secretly be a serial killer or one of those Jehovah’s Witnesses’ and you wouldn’t even have a clue. They get trained to do that stuff when they’re in high-school getting their pussy’s eaten out. I mean, you SUCK at eating pussy, but it’s your first time, what does she expect? Never the less, she’s screaming like a trooper, because you’re her man and she wants you to feel AWESOME. So what if she goes back and tells all her friends that you put her off getting her angel-lips (that's what I call it) licked for the rest of her life? She made you feel like a stud, right? That’s their jobs. Women lie to feed men’s ego’s and guy’s let stupid things slip so our girls can knock us out with a nine iron. It’s the circle of life.

Words: Donald Crunk

Paula Pashmina's style pic of the week

If you feel stupid wearing something, then you probably look stupid, too.

Pic from here

Golden Nuggets of Wisdom: What white girls love about black guys

Old topic! Yeah, I know, but it’s still a doozy. And a lot of white guys still wanna know why their little white snowflakes are getting piped down by black dudes, so I'm gonna break it down for you.

Curiosity: Do you know when the world’s gonna end? How many Pringles are in those big cardboard tubes? Why Kano started making stuff like this? Nah, me neither. But I really wanna find out. Not saying it’s gonna be that satisfying when you do finally get that (big?) black dick that you've never had before, but sometimes the anticipation is better than the deed.

Hip-hop: Music and sex are best buds. If your favourite song isn’t about sex or inspired by sex in some way, then it probably sucks. When MTV finally decided to start showing rap vids, a nation of white girls were instantly de-flowered. If you check out their I-tunes playlist, there’s gonna be at least one rapper on there. And since no one listens to Eminem anymore, it's definitely gonna be a black guy. Did I mention that girls wanna fuck all the guys on their ‘Most Played’ playlists? I’m pretty sure it’s written somewhere in the I-Tunes FAQ.

Black guys are tough: Women want to feel safe. They want to be secure in the fact that their man can protect them from danger. Do you ever watch sports? What colour are most successful boxers? When you turn on the news and hear about someone committing an act of violence against another man, what colour is the culprit? Black dudes are good at fighting and if they’re not, they use weapons. That’s not racist, it’s just the truth.

Girls love to be treated like shit: Well, that’s not entirely the truth, because no woman will ever admit that. They probably complain all day long about how they hate the way they're treated by men and need to find a ‘good one’, so why do they keep ending up with dicks? It’s because they subconsciously love it. It’s exciting. Plus they think they can use their pussy-power to change the guy, which isn’t really what they want, but the thought of trying to do it is fun.

Mixed-raced babies are cute: I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful than a baby with blue eyes, light brown skin and thick negro-ish hair. They truly are amazing creatures.

Words: Donald Crunk